Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I have always thought that I would like to write about asthma because I liked the idea of being an author. But I had never understood what it takes to actually sit down and write about asthma. I would actually mean that I would have to get to know myself in all aspects and all refractions.

I’ll use this book to write down anything that I can find about asthma on a daily basis so all patterns regarding asthma may be revealed.
The first thing that I would like to say is that this book and every aspect of it is not an instant solution like getting an answer and viola it is done. No you see that is exactly the mindset that allowed you to get asthma in the first place. This book will have to be a journey for you to learn how to discover yourself and actually to get to know who you are. For every time that you use your asthma pump is actually a statement to yourself that you must be suppressed because someone else’s world is of more importance than yours at the moment.
Asthmatics have the inherent fear of being wrong most of the time so they surround themselves by people who can tell them either in words or through actions that they are pleased with them. This gives us the feeling of actually having achieved something when infact all that we have done is we did exactly what the other person wanted us to do. Thus we have become the slaves and have enslaved ourselves by our idea of what we believe life to be.
An asthmatic learns very young how to manipulate with asthma. I must stipulate here that most of your behaviour, the total sum of who you are is locked in your subconscious mind thus alot of what I will say will not resonate with you until you have actually walked the path of self discovery.
So back to manipulation. As a child you would have learnt that when you have an asthma attack you receive a lot of attention. And this is exactly what is required in how you have designed yourself, because in this design you do not have to take responsibility for who you are are you can thus use all the crutches that are at your disposal. Dependence on people to tell you who you are, dependence on the pump to allow you to live. You are also allowed to give up in difficult situations. For example when you feel overcrowded and do not know how to control your environment all you have to do is have an asthma attack and voila you are back in control of the situation, meaning that it is an event that you are familiar with, you are given the most attention in that moment, and every bodies eyes are on you. It is quite sickening when you start looking at the truth in such a manner, because I remember that I didn’t want to look at asthma in that light. I truely believed that it was a genetic illness that I had to cope with.
Today I stand here in the realisation that the only genetic part in asthma is the learnt behaviour from my lineage that allowed me to collectively choose a persona that included asthma.
This book as it is here I will not attempt to write in any order or fashion, I will write it as it flows out of me. As I am sitting here now my chest is tight and has been for the past 3 hours. What I have found with Asthma is that it is actually a reflection of how you allow yourself to live. Meaning that when your chest is tight you are restricting yourself from living. So somewhere in my inner world I am not honest with myself. Whether you have asthma or not, if you are not in touch with yourself this could prove to be quite difficult. Luckily for asthmatics when you have hit the nail on the head you will find that your chest will open. For the rest of you sorry you will have to find another way of how to guide yourself here.
Self honesty, I must say the part that has assisted me the most is just sitting infront of a computer and writing about my day. You look at the events that took place. When you spoke to that person how did you feel, what did you think of, what was your beingness projecting, how did you respond. Now writing all of the above information like a novel will not assist you in any way. The whole purpose of such an exercise is to write your experience down for yourself as though you are sharing it with the most intimate friend that you have ever had whom you keep not a refraction of a secret from. Because remember trying to hide the truth from yourself is realy the worst way of deceiving yourself. And besides you will know the truth of what you have written.
So forgive my absence for a moment but my chest is calling. I realised that I can share this with you. So here goes: What I found inside of me was the calling of doing something else. This something else is an idea in the mind of what it perceives to be fun. For every person it will be refractionally different in the picture that it represents but in actuality it is all the same. Meaning it is a distraction from you. Your mind will pull you in a direction making you think that you want to go and do something, all because in your minds eye it is a “cool” thing. The only reason why it is a “cool” thing is because your mind knows the result of the experience. But when you are alone it does not know the result of the experience. The mind fears what it does not know, and for an asthmatic – your mind does not know you at all. It has been able to hold your expression captive through fear of death. And you have allowed this behaviour to control you.
Still not open I shall search further. The worst enemy that you will find in this process is the will to give up. Your mind will actually manifest asthma so in order for you to give up. You see the problem here is duality. An active mind has to be alert, sharp, ready, prepared for any moment, because in order for it to be self defined as great and good it must live up to all of these expectations all of the time. Whereas a self expressive being is free, boundless, in the moment and doesn’t give a sh!t about what any person thinks of them. From your minds perspective it will manifest asthma to force you to give up, before it has to give up it’s perspectives on life.
I’m referring to your mind here as a separate entity only because it is not really what you have chosen to live yet. You have actually never chosen to be who you are because it was all given to you. Your parents, your family, your friends, your society, your religion, all played a part in shaping you to who you are today. All of this has been the accepted way of how to live and thus this behaviour was copied in bits and pieces to form you. Or who you believe you are.
Would it be a shock to you if you would realise that you are able to change it. Well it took me 5 years to actually realise the magnitude of that statement. I always liked the sound of it, it made me feel like I had all the power. Unfortunately I did not live it, and thus it took this long to come to the realisation that I have the power but I actually have to do something about it. Hopefully by you reading this your path will not be as long as mine in realising the magnitude of that statement.


Leila said...

cool, helps me understand people I know with asthma.

Mind Robot said...

when are you gonna continue the book Esteni?

Luis said...

I do not have Asthma but thank you for your sharing.

Anonymous said...

Can you talk to me or answer the desteni forum pm? one1

good stuff

Adele said...

I have asthma since a very small child, I get confused when i hear i have chosen this path, because as a child you are so innocent. Though I have come to understand a little more about our choices in the back of my knowing, I would like it to be brought forward to the front! This has helped me i need to find so much peace and forgiveness inside me. Thank you for your words.

kimamourette said...

it was nice to read this esteni.
i found that i also have the desire in me to give up because deep within me i believe myself to be a worthless being.
today, i wondered: ok, what if i just stop trying to be real/self honest/myself, stop trying to be good at all the things that you're supposed to be good at in this reality. lets just be good at being me. if i really believe myself to be a loser, lets just be the best loser i can be. because apparantly thats the only thing i am good at: giving up, thinking low of myself, and in fact i believe that i am not capable of doing anything at all, because i always end up giving up on everything i do, no matter how hard i try. so lets not try at all anymore, be the best at not being good at all.